FAQ Part II - Holistic and natural?

Posted Jul 9, 2008 12:44pm

Thank you for your good wishes and happy thoughts. My lumpectomy is this Friday, and as much as I avoid drive-throughs, this one I don’t mind – I check in at 5:30 a.m. and I’ll be out by noon.

On a lighter note: FAQ Part II.

Q. You’re “holistic and natural” – why not alternative treatment instead of letting “them” cut you up and fill you with drugs?

A. I’m holistic and natural, not insane. If I severed a finger artery in while chanting mantras and slicing organic vegetables at a 45 degree angle (estimated-direction-of-chi) for my juicer to sploosh out healing alkaline beverages, I would not pop herbs and meditate (you already know where THAT leads). I would get to the ER and entertain myself for the next 6 hours with shredded 1983 issues of People until an exhausted, caffeine-augmented intern at the end of a 72 hour shift propped their eyes open long enough to stitch me up and load me with enough antibiotics to fight off the staph infection I picked up from the trashy magazines. (Let this be a lesson – GOSSIP CAN KILL.)

Only then would I would relax in my Buddha garden sipping alkaline broth, which by that time would have formed its own layer of “natural” penicillin mold after sitting out when I abandoned the juicing project for the ER during a typical Folsom 109 degree heat wave. Even possibly in January.

Western medicine is the Rambo/Lara Croft of emergency/life-threatening disease care –best in the world. The problem arises when this care is applied to chronic diseases, which develop over time – diabetes, heart disease, obesity, high blood pressure, digestive problems, etc. Although medicine relieves immediate symptoms, most of these are the effects of lifestyle, not drug deficiencies. And only lifestyle changes will actually reverse the dis-ease process.

The National Institute of Health finally came to their senses and promulgated (carved in stone) the STANDARD OF CARE for diabetes, heart disease, high cholesterol, obesity and high blood pressure. Except for emergencies, it is not immediate drug therapy, but “12 weeks of therapeutic lifestyle changes [TLC].” This means a specific program for healthy eating, stress reduction and increased physical activity. It does not mean scurrying you through a 7 minute visit with a suggestion to eat “better.”

“Standard of care” means “the rules you are supposed to follow in a given health condition or you can lose your license and unless there is no one living who is aware of the incident, including the patient or any relative, acquaintance, pet, or rights group, AND every lawyer on the planet spontaneously vaporized, you will get your butt sued besides.”

Only after 12 weeks of TLC are drugs an option – if NO changes are evident. Keep that in mind next time you are handed a prescription. Do not stop any medications now – doing so without supervision can kill you. But if you have any of the above-mentioned afflictions, you have a lot more control than you may think.

When faced with life-threatening disease, do whatever medical procedure it takes to get rid of it. Immediately. Then do what you need to heal on every level. Laugh and love a lot. Veg out regularly. Eat live, fresh, organic food – not dead, packaged food. Exercise.

Hahaha – just kidding about exercise. My extensive research has proven that exercise causes injuries, fatigue and smelliness and can send your obscenely expensive eyelash extensions washing away on beads of ugly sweat onto the tip of your nose where they look oddly displaced unless you also have a little mole there. In which case you obviously have your priorities out of order. While I can joyfully put in 12 hours of hard labor in my garden, the mere thought of a treadmill gives me leg cramps.

So find an activity you love that requires more aerobic involvement than the vigorous thumb manipulations of obsessive texting (refer to “Gossip Can Kill”) and enjoy that activity as often as you can.