Carol - Our "TurbanDiva" of the Month

It's been a long time since my last entry. I think the need to write arises in me out of a sense of longing for answers, and when I'm happy I don't feel so much like blogging.  Fortunately, it certainly doesn't stop other means of communication for me.

I've been enjoying the delightful visual orgy that is Pinterest, and thought it would be fun to do a "Pin It to Win It" contest this month. Little did I know how this simple act of kindness would introduce me to so many wonderful women.

Carol is our first weekly winner, and as her story started to unfold, I asked her if she would mind sharing her story as the "Turban Diva of the Month" on my site.  For those that are more likely to visit blogs than shopping sites, it occurred to me to share these stories here. This is Carol's marvelous story:

I’m a single mom of four, and was born and raised in Atlanta, GA.  I was married twice to military men and have lived many places.  My daughter was born in KS, my oldest son in GA and my 2 youngest sons in Germany. Worked at the VAMC for a year and then worked for the University of Missouri for 15 years. First at the School of Nursing. The last 10 years at the School of Law.  I was put out on medical disability/retirement Sept 2012.

I still am not sure that I am in full admission that I have cancer.  I think I have done everything that I have needed to do with this battle with a sense of humor.  People would ask me how I could still laugh.  And my response was always, if you can't laugh, then all you can do is cry and that's not fun. 

I had been sick for a couple of years.  I had been seeing specialist after specialist. I was told I was a menopausal aged woman and that I needed to eat less, exercise more and was even sent to see a dietician to look at my food intake. 

But yet I continued to get bigger; bloating was horrible. By the time they figured out I had cancer, I was a Stage IV multi-site metastasized patient.  It took them several weeks to finally decide it was Ovarian cancer.  Because I also had cancer in my spleen and liver, it was not a "standard" ovarian diagnosis.  But, nonetheless, there it was.  Approx 10 -12 tumors in my abdomen and one mass the size of my fist.  

As women, we know that sometimes doctors treat us as just another complainer.  I let this go on way too long, all the while bloating up and in pain.  Never again.  If you feel that something is wrong and you are not getting listened to, or treated as such GO GET ANOTHER OPINION!  Women are too quick to comply and we don't like to hurt feelings.  "Well, my doctor might find out I saw someone else.  That might upset them."  GOOD!!!    I hesitate to think if I had raised a bigger stink two years ago, would this had been found much earlier and would I have become a Stage IV level or not.  I will never know.

I should take a moment to mention how I found out.  My liver specialist had sent me for an ultrasound on a Thursday. He called me back that afternoon and told me I had an appointment the next morning at the cancer hospital.  They thought they had seen something.  Now at this time, I don't know what my diagnosis is, I don't know what they have seen, I'm completely blank.  But how bad could it be, right?  I mean, I had been seeing these specialists for two years.  I went into the room.  And this resident came in and blurts out that I am Stage IV and I probably have 6 to 18 months to live. 

Do not ask me anything that happened after that.  I was in such a state of shock, I could not hear, I couldn't see, I couldn't think.  To this day I cannot shake those words out of my head.  Once it's in there, it's stuck.  The one smart thing I did, and I recommend to everyone, is have someone go with them to every appointment that you are going to be talking to the doctor.  Thank goodness I did, and my friend wrote down notes for me to read later.  She was both my angel and my rock.

Now, I had to go home and call my kids and tell them.  Words were said, questions were asked.  I am blank to this day. My oldest son said recently that he doesn't remember how he felt when I told them about my cancer diagnosis.  He said all he kept thinking was, “Can this be real? Why? And what was going to happen to get treatment and what if the treatment didn't work?”

But he doesn't remember what I said or how I answered his questions.  And I really don't either.  It was like watching a TV show and it was a surreal experience.  My second youngest son said, "I felt very sad and concerned about your health. And mad that you had been seeing these doctors for so long. How did they let it get to stage IV?"   

Here are the 3 things that completely broke me down: 1.  The idea I was not going to be here to see my two youngest sons graduate from college.  2.  That I would not be in attendance at any of my children’s weddings.  3.  I would never know or see my grandchildren.   I would completely fall apart at these thoughts. 

I initially started my care at a different cancer hospital and a different Oncologist.  But I had been going there for a month and nothing was being done. They kept telling me that treatment would start soon.  When? 

I got angry.  I was going to the doctor’s every week and nothing was being done.   I finally got ticked off enough to decide to look elsewhere for treatment.  I found one of the best oncologists we have in this town and a center who worked to make sure you got all the help you need. 

I started with my new doctor on a Friday; I was in chemo the next week.  He was shocked to learn they let me just sit for a whole month.  He and I have similar personalities, so within 10 minutes of meeting with him, I knew I was making a change.  After only two months of chemo, all my tumors had shown signs of reduction. 

I was put in touch with our local American Cancer Society chapter.  If you have them available, I urge you to contact them.  They can give you info on websites, and support groups. This is where I found out about Turban Diva’s website.  A lot of them offer a class called "Look Good, Feel Better".  It's a group of volunteers who work with women and they do neat make up ideas, and bring in turbans and scarves and show you different ways to use them.

I was able to get one free wig from the ACS. I thought, "I've been a redhead maybe when my hair falls out, I would try being a blonde."  Why not!  Well, I tried on some blonde wigs and realized I was a redhead for a reason! 

One thing I would like to express, even if you don't attend a class or you're not the make up wearer, please start a strict moisturizing program.  It doesn't have to be expensive products just get into the habit.  Chemo is going to be rough on your skin too.

I was doing chemo every week for six months.  But, if you must do it, then why not have some fun with it.  Your hair is going.  There's no way to stop it.  I went down to get my hair cut off before it started to fall out, but the stylist just cut it very short and it took about two months before it fell out.  Once it begins to fall out, it seems to happen rather rapidly.  It is most annoying to have hair falling into your food all the time; taking a shower, and losing large clumps all over the place.

I tried to make light of being bald.  I would post on my FB wall things like, advantages of no hair:  1. You save a lot of money on hair products 2. Getting ready is quick. Grab your turban off of your stand, throw it on and roll.  3. Some people have bad hair days, chemo patients have no hair days.  4. Let the wind blow.  It’s not going to mess up your turban!

But never forget, it's okay to cry.  I would get in the shower and cry. It was something I got used to doing as a single parent.  I’d think I can’t show the kids how scared you are, but if you cry in the shower, no one can hear you and if your eyes are all red, it was the soap. 

I'm sure your doctor or nurse will tell you that you don't just lose the hair on your head.  I enjoyed the side effect of not having to shave my legs for about four months.  That was a positive.  I was, however, not prepared for my reaction when my eyebrows and eyelashes fell out.  It had taken such a long time, I thought I was past the point it would happen.   I was four months into treatment.  That was harder for me to deal with than all of my other hair.  I had gotten an eyebrow pencil and was filling in my eyebrows. After my eyelashes fell out, I started drawing a thicker line of eyeliner.  I could not use false eyelashes while in treatment. 

But, you see, I consider myself a clothes horse.  When it came time to decide to wear the turbans, I looked at it as a way of expanding my looks.  Coordinating your turban or your scarf or hat with your look can become fun.  You want to make sure you have what I call the basic three.  One for when you are very cold, one for when you are sweating the chemo and one just for you for looks.  (Actually, TurbanDiva.com has so many pretty sets that you will want more than one!)

When I started chemo, I began a Cancer Sucks page on my FB.  Some people like to journal, but mine was more a photo view of what cancer, chemo and surgery was doing to me physically. Don't discount your access to social media.   My friends who live so far away have been so supportive.  They felt like they were involved in my travels down this journey.  Their prayers and continuing uplifting support have gotten me through some rough times. 

It has been a year since I was diagnosed.  I have spent many hours in the chemo room.  I have had major surgery that kept me away for a month and completely opened up my abdomen from top to bottom.  And even though there was some hope I may get a break, I had to restart chemo again January 2, 2013.  Can't say it was my best New Year’s event, but I know I am looking at things differently now.  While I am hoping that I might get a break after this round, I am trying to make plans to do some traveling.  

As my new doctor says, only God decides when we are ready to go.  But when you are put in the situation that you know your life has been shortened, you re-prioritize.  Nothing about this experience is fun.  Nothing about what it does to your body is pleasing.  At times, with all it does to you, you can feel less than the woman you were. I would look at my bald head in the mirror and wonder if I was ever going to see the woman I was before my diagnosis. It's very hard sometimes.

But the one thing you can control is your attitude about it.  I used to call my chemo days my favorite day of the week.  I was going to get cool meds that make you either sleepy or goofy.  I felt that the chemo was doing the battle and I was there to fight.  Plus, it was the one day a week that I could eat without getting nauseated.  And the nurses in the chemo room are great.  I laugh and joke around with them all the time.  Sometimes they bring me pastries!

My prayers go with any and everyone who has to deal with this most horrendous ordeal called cancer.  It doesn't see age, race, sex, rich or poor.  But you do your battle.  Fight as long as you can.  There will be some good days in between the bad.  Don't miss those.

My motto:
This is how a Southern girl kicks cancer’s butt:  Get dressed, put on your makeup, throw on that turban, put on your kick butt boots (styling ones, of course) and go and fight the good fight!!  But first, girl, go get that manicure!

My favorite Quote:  Just when the caterpillar thought her life was over, she became a butterfly!
Butterflies and the color purple have become my symbol for strength.  When I was admitted to the hospital in November for my surgery, the first thing I saw was a beautiful photo of a white butterfly sitting on a purple flower.  And I remember, even though very heavily sedated that whole week, it made me smile. 

Head Wraps and Turbans to Flatter Your Face Shape

A fashion solution for a bad hair day or hair loss are colorful head wraps, turbans and layered scarves, which can be worn indoors or out, from casual to formal looks.

If you think you don’t look good in the latest head wraps or turbans, maybe you haven’t found the right style for your face shape. Just like choosing a hairstyle, your goal is to accentuate the positive and balance the shape of your face.

Remember this is an accessory - part of an outfit. A little planning can turn a plain outfit into a fashion statement!

What is Your Face Shape?

A quick trick is to stand in front of a mirror, smooth your hair away from your face and draw an outline of your reflection on the mirror with a soft eyeliner pencil or old lipstick.

1. Notice the overall length and width of your face.
2. Compare the width of your face in three places:

• Across your forehead just above your eyebrows
• Across the top of your cheekbones
• Across your jaw line and chin

An oval face is about 1-1/2 times longer than it is wide and the most balanced shape. Whether or not you have hair loss, you can wear just about any style of head covering.

If the length and width of your face are fairly equal, you have a round face and will want to embellish the flat outline of the basic turban or head wrap. Add height by layering with a twisted band or scarf. You can further soften lines with a bow, half bow or silk flower on one side just above your ear.

A square face is about the same width across the forehead and the jaw line. Add height with a twisted band as described above. To soften your jaw line, tie the band just behind your ear, with full ends flowing in front of your collarbone. Or tie a large bow above or behind your ear.

A heart-shaped  face is widest across the forehead and/or cheekbones, with a small, narrow jaw line or chin. The edge of the wrap can be a little lower on your forehead, with the knot behind your ear and the tie ends hanging long in front or back.

For you, scarf ends that are square or rounded will look better than pointed ones, which can exaggerate a pronounced chin. A full bow towards the top of your head will accentuate your eyes.



For all face shapes, first bring the edges of the piece around your natural hair line to cover the tops of your ears, and play with twisting, wrapping and tying the end in knots, bows or half bows (only one loop).

If the turban completely covers or replaces your hair, you can balance the look even more with earrings that are larger than you may normally wear.

With the increasing number of women every year that undergo chemotherapy, almost everyone has someone close that has to deal with the side effect of complete hair loss, known as alopecia. As our population ages, many women experience thinning hair from thyroid problems and other medical conditions. In normal circumstances, simply having a bad hair day is aggravating, but hair loss compounds the devastating effects of greater health challenges.

It is not shallow vanity to want to improve our appearance. As visual creatures, we instinctively want to decorate ourselves to relate to others and display our need for connection. Even through illness, you will be more encouraged be around people if you know your unique beauty still reflects from the inside out. Being around those who love and support you is one of the best natural medicines you can find.

Experiment with tying the knot on one side and then the other, with tail ends hanging down. Spread the fabric of the bow for maximum fullness, and position it in different areas around your head. What is your best look?

The Healing Wardrobe - 5 Tips for Using Color to Lift Your Spirit

For better or worse, color has a significant impact on our emotions. It may not surprise you to know the way each of us perceives color is unique. Bright colors that lift one person´s mood can be overwhelming or garish to someone else. Pastels that aim to soothe the spirit may be too dreary for a bubbly personality.

The colors you wear not only affect your mood, but also communicate something about your personality. The effect of color in our lives can be mystical, psychological and even functional.

During meditation, feelings of well being are enhanced with visualization of color that has specific meaning to the person. Deep breathing exercises that use a sense of color being directed at different areas of the body can help patients cope and better manage the stress and fear related to their illness.

The influence of color had never been so obvious to me until I was faced with hair loss during chemo. With a bald head, I looked - and felt - absolutely drained unless I wore flattering colors.

With the other side effects of chemo, the stress of a chronic illness or alopecia, we need all the cheering up we can get. Our hair is such a significant part of our self image that sudden, complete hair loss often has a deep impact on our identity and confidence.

Each year, thousands of women have chemo hair loss or alopecia from other medical treatments. And at some point in their lives, another 4.5 million people in the US will be affected with baldness from other causes.

But we can face this change by using our favorite colors to our advantage.

Before you choose a cancer hat, tie a head wrap scarf or turban, here are 5 tips for selecting your best colors:

1. Grab a pad & pen. Go through your closet and write the top 3 colors that look best on you. If you´re not sure, hold it near your face in front of the mirror.

2. Add to the list one or two colors that get you compliments when you wear them.

3. List 1 color you purposely avoid wearing (you may or may own that color).

4. Write down one emotion you connect with each color, whether positive or negative. For example: red (exciting, irritating or?); blue (healing or boring?); black (sophisticated or gloomy?).

5. If you don´t own at least 3 colors that make you feel good, fill in your list with the colors you need to add to your wardrobe - and the positive feeling each one gives you.

By consciously making this list, not only will you be drawn to your healing colors, but you will "anchor" that good feeling. Every time you wear these colors, it will reinforce the memory of the positive emotion.

You don´t have to buy a new wardrobe. An accessory worn near your face, such as earrings, or a colorful necklace, can change the whole mood of your appearance.

Is that gray sweater depressing? It can be a beautiful background for a head wrap of fuchsia, purple,turquoise, elegant black, crisp white or an animal print.

For those that unfortunate folks that are stuck with having to deal with their hair every day, dyeing it to match each outfit is not a sensible option. But without hair, you can look elegant with a scarf, turban, head wrap or hat that is a proud statement of your colorful spirit.

Turban in Hibiscus Print, Summer Head Scarf Sets

Whether you need a chemo hat for hair loss, an easy to tie head scarf, a turban for after exercise or yoga wear, the collection at Titillating Turbans is always expanding. 

You'll feel like you are strolling a Hawaiian beach in this festive pattern of hibiscus flowers on a background of turquoise and purple.  

Visit here to see over 50 colors and fabrics for every occasion. Whether for yourself or a gift, this accessory will be enjoyed for many years to come. 

Every 2-piece set of hat and scarf ties into more than a dozen different styles.  

 www.TitillatingTurbans.com

Why Turbans?

When I was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer in June, 2008, I focused on the high chances of recovery. I imagined myself a warrior in a dark adventure, full of unknown challenges that would force me to find solutions to help all of us that face this journey. As both a patient and a doctor, maybe I would even discover a natural cure.

As the days of chemotherapy and radiation closed in, I didn't feel so adventurous. Above all, I became obsessed with how to deal with losing my hair. The doctors encouraged me to maintain my lifestyle as much as possible during treatment, which meant being in public almost every day. I wanted to be a positive role model to my own patients, no matter what my condition.

At least initially, a cancer diagnosis rips away our sense of control over anything. Unlike gradual appearance changes, like weight or normal aging, chemo hair loss can happen over just a few days, and we can't do anything to stop it. Living in a body that has turned against you, chemo leaves you tired, cranky and hairless, and you don't even recognize the person in the mirror.

Some days it's difficult to just get up, yet there are daily tasks, medical appointments, a job and a family. With barely has the energy to put on lipstick, you would think appearance is not important, but the comfort of the familiar, and that need to look good and be accepted, never goes away. Besides feeling awkward, I didn't want how my head looked to scream "I have cancer." I admit, I'm a teeny bit of a control freak, but I wanted to inspire hope, not pity.

Going through treatment in the cooler months, few women I met went bare-headed. Other than wigs, most wore skimpy kerchiefs and caps that were more of an emergency measure than a conscious style decision. As we chatted in the waiting room, many complained that they were self-conscious about their hair loss and dorky hat, often looking worse than they felt, and frustrated by this constant reminder of their illness.

Once I lost my hair, my scalp was so sensitive from other chemo side effects that wigs were unbearable. I experimented with wrapping scarves of all sizes until I came up with a turban effect that was actually more flattering than my hair had been. And I could wear colors to match an outfit, I ­ couldn't do that with my hair! Every time I went to the treatment centers, the nurses ran over to see what new wrap I was wearing. Best of all, the patients would always brighten up and ask me where they could find one already wrapped.

Seeing the turbans made everyone well, titillated. And the idea of Titillating Turbans was born.

Because wraps can be challenging, I wanted to create something that would be easy for anyone to just plop on their head, and style according to their own personality. There were no patterns similar to my turban, so I started snipping and stitching until I developed a workable pattern and found the most comfortable fabrics. I made a prototype and by June, 2009, a year after my initial diagnosis, I had all the business aspects complete, and a new line of head wear that makes women perk up and smile from the moment they see the variety of gorgeous colors and soft fabrics.

Throughout my life, my mantra has been, "Everything happens for a reason." Then I got cancer, and entered a family of thousands of cancer patients of all ages. And I can find no reason for all this suffering.

Now I believe stuff happens for no reason. But what we do with that "stuff" defines who we are. What I do see is that we are incredibly loving beings, with instincts not only to preserve our own survival, but to ease the suffering of others. Whether you knit a cap, send a card, call, tweet or discover a cure, the roles are equally important. Our strengths arise from our ability to sense the needs of others and our resiliency in the face of adversity to find solutions that will ease their pain.

I hope Titillating Turbans is an encouraging link in the chain of recovery. They were created to help women remember they are so much more than their hair; each person has a unique style and beauty that comes from within. No matter what happens to our bodies, we are creative creatures and will find a way to decorate and celebrate who we are, connect with others and share the healing wisdom that awakens as we embrace each moment of this precious life.

This article originally posted on Join Our Loop. Please visit and support this inspirational gathering place for collaborative insights and information on breast cancer - before, during and after diagnosis and treatment.

I'm Still Here!

Posted Jun 8, 2009 1:11am

I can't believe it's been almost 3 months since my last update. I'm working on a long one, but until I complete that epic saga, here's the synopsis: good news and more good news!

My six week follow up with the radiation oncologist was awesome - no burning, no discoloration or tissue damage. So to celebrate, last month I went for my first mammogram since all this started, and I'm happy to report it wasn't any more uncomfortable than usual. That means there is no residual inflammation from the radiation. Yipee. Follow up heart scan, MRI and mammo are all clear, blood tests are good... whew. Five more months of herceptin and I'll graduate to an oral drug for a few years.

LONG story short - I did design a user-friendly turban, and the site is up and running starting... NOW!!

You are invited to visit! Click here: Titillating Turbans!



Since I had designed them for women who had hair loss from chemotherapy, I was really surprised when other women also started grabbing them up when I brought them to the office - just because they add so much pizzazz to your look!

Most important, please share this site with anyone you know that has either lost their hair or works in any business related to cancer care. I know there was a reason I was forced to find a way to look stylish no matter how lousy or discouraged I felt. It would brighten my day so much to get a compliment from someone who loved my turban, especially on those days when I wondered if I would ever look normal again!

June 12 is my first "cancerversary;" it has been a year since the initial diagnosis, and I feel so blessed to report all the post-treatment tests are clear. With renewed energy and well on my way to a healthier, cancer-free life, it's time to bring a little color into the lives of those who are still in the toughest process of their healing journey.

Whether it's a no-hair day or a bad-hair day, women feel elegant in these soft, colorful turbans. You can order on line for direct shipment, and if you are local, please come by the office to say hi and try them on.

I'm pooped - it took all day to photograph all that stuff and post it. Truly a labor of love. It's past my bedtime. I love you all, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for your continued love and support.
Nightie-night,
Laurie

Rainy Day Rantings

Posted Jan 24, 2009 2:52pm

It is six weeks post chemo, and three months of turban wrapping has started to lose its fascination. Dave said leave it to me to turn hair loss into a glamorous experience, but now I would like to see a little replacement growth before I start radiation. The latest displacement of my fears of cancer recurrence is to perform a new morning ritual of searching my scalp for signs of peach fuzz. Just prior to my usual primping, I don my “googly-glasses” (3.25 strength usually reserved for close bead work) and devote a few minutes of squinting into the magnifying mirror on my windowsill to closely examine my scant buzz cut under the clear light of day. I was very fortunate to not lose my brows or lashes, although they thinned a little. But you can imagine my renewed hope when I found a freshly sprouted eyebrow hair a few days ago.

Unfortunately, during hibernation the follicles seem to have lost some of their innate intelligence to follow an appropriate growth pattern. This young hair appeared on a random spot in my upper eyelid, like a confused baby animal that wandered away from the safety of the herd, so my lioness instincts attacked it with tweezers and plucked it away. The brows may be thin, but they are neatly aligned. In my world, OCD trumps phalacrophobia (“a persistent, abnormal, and unwarranted fear of becoming bald”).

Those neuroses aside, I am delighted to find my energy and mental acuity are back to their normal hyperexcited levels. Since the last chemo, the post-holiday dietary cleanup and other good stuff mentioned in the last post have helped me to increase my activity, start toning muscle a little, and drop a couple of pounds. I had taken a break from oxygen therapy for a few weeks over the holidays, then started them again last week. Now that all the chemicals are leaching away from my system, the oxygen therapy can take full effect and I feel like my brain is on fire – in a good way!

Like the old saying, I had been down so long, it felt like up… my brain just won’t shut off and the creative juices are flowing. I went on a long overdue frenzy of office cleaning/filing/correspondence catching up this week. This weekend I’m catching up on household and art projects, and last weekend I cooked up enough food for two weeks of lunches and dinners.

All this is just in time for six weeks of daily radiation, which starts next Tuesday. I’ll go the same time every day and be in and out in about 20 minutes, including time for costume changes. The “big chemo” is over, and now I’m doing all the periodic re-tests. In preparation for radiation, last week I had a CT scan and two tiny tattoo dots (painless) to designate where the radiation beams will be aimed. I was positioned on the treatment table with my arm overhead & a mold was shaped around me so I can duplicate the position every time I get zapped.

This past week I had another MRI (inspiring visions, although not as intense as the first one), and in 2 weeks I have the second MUGA scan. This is so weird for me. I went from a lifetime of just going for an annual physical to planning my daily life around my treatment schedules.
So far everyone has said radiation is a cakewalk compared to chemo, and if I’m going into it feeling this good, I may be able to stave off the most common side effect of fatigue. Here’s a little aside on the word origin of “cakewalk.” In the 19th-century, this was a strutting contest held among African Americans in the southern US in which the contestant who walked with the fanciest steps won a cake. It is also the origin of the expression, "Well, if that doesn't take the cake!" Its origins actually go back to traditional dances hundreds of years earlier, and there is a fascinating story at www.jakelegstompers.com/Media/Text/Cakewalk-Chronology.pdf . As usual, I digress.

So what am I going to do with all this energy? I look around to see the magnificent accomplishments of other women that have survived horrific experiences with cancer, and mine seems like a sniffle in comparison. Some started international movements, nonprofit organizations to support education, where do I go with this?

As much as I enjoy being on stage, I know my best work is done when I work one on one. Right now I feel the faster I can get back to school, the more I can learn every day and better help each patient I see. It’s no different than what I’ve been doing for the past 15 years or so, but it’s with a different perspective, a deeper compassion, a broader understanding and empathy. Before this happened, I was never sick, never had to chose among activities based on my energy reserve or physical limitations. So allow me to leap to my soapbox for a paragraph or several…
Let me tell you, feeling lousy sucks – literally. It pulls you away from fully enjoying life and the people around you, so the earlier you can prevent it, the easier it will be to get back on course. A patient described it perfectly the other day. She is in her 20’s, reasonably healthy, but felt she wasn’t participating in her life – it was just “blah.” She was functioning and getting through day to day, but mildly achy and tired, without excitement or interest in much, and no “forward thinking.”

The good news is that she has the foresight to recognize early that something has gone awry & she is popping back very quickly. Had she not, in another 5 or 10 or 20 years she would be like most of the women that come in, overwhelmed and exhausted, frustrated with increasing medications, needing months or even years to unravel the complexity of all the things that are malfunctioning. It’s not hopeless, but the longer we wait, the bigger the mess and the more work it is to clean up. And being so pooped from feeling lousy compounds the effort required to get well.

Just like it’s easier to lose the first 2 pounds than wait till it’s 20, don’t wait to take care of your health, no matter what stage. Our “health” culture trains us to cover symptoms with a quick fix, or “wait and see” but by the time you have a symptom, something has been wearing away for a long time.

Recently an elderly patient was not getting any relief from her back pain after a few weeks of treatment, although she used to respond within that timeframe. Long story short, after a series of deeper questioning, she reluctantly gave me the details of other recent symptoms that were obvious red flags that her low back pain could be due to cancer. I convinced her to immediately call her doctors, which she did, although in the past they had minimized the significance of her symptoms. Because she had been convinced that her symptoms didn’t mean anything, she was embarrassed to “complain” about them to anyone else – including other doctors.

Even with my referral, her GP said her heavy constant rectal bleeding was probably because she took a lot of meds and didn’t eat enough vegetables, and an MRI wasn’t important. The advice was to improve her diet for few weeks, and if she didn’t improve, they would consider a CT scan. Wait and see… Fortunately, with the new information, her previous surgeon was concerned, scheduled her for surgery within a couple of weeks, and what the GP dismissed as a hemorrhoid was actually an early malignancy. Now they are keeping a close watch and following up with the appropriate tests.

This isn’t the first time there has been a case like this, and I’m afraid it won’t be the last. I won’t mention the name of this healthKare enterprise, but this has also happened with many other providers, and as you know, that includes some of my own. I know I keep repeating myself here, but I can’t emphasize enough that when something doesn’t feel right, don’t ignore it or cover it up. Trust your instincts, listen to your body and be proactive – and if no one listens, get a second or third opinion. In the meantime, get your regular checkups – even if you feel good, eat your fruits and veggies, take your vitamins and shake your booty.

Have a fabulous weekend – this rainy weather is great for indoor projects, like cooking up a batch of healthy soup for the week (hint, hint)!
Love, Laurie

The Deed Is Done

Posted Nov 3, 2008 3:48pm

You know how you just can’t resist rubbing a guy’s head right after he gets his first buzz cut? It feels even better to be the rub-ee. Imagine how much fun it is to have your own fuzzy head and able to rub it any time you want! I look a little like a grandpa with a buzz cut, since my hair has thinned quite a bit, but it feels amazingly good. The shower feels awesome on my head, and after a shampoo and a drop of conditioner it’s very soft.

Yesterday Kanako called to assure me she would be over by 4:30 for the Big Cut. Kat had planned on visiting late afternoon, so I called to let her know that this was The Day in case it would freak her out. Heck no, we were going to make this a celebration (unfortunately without the wine).

My sister (a retired hair stylist) called from Mountain View to wish me luck, with her regrets that she did not live closer so she could be the one to do this. I still feel everything happened in the right sequence with my cutting it a little at a time over the week, but I can’t describe how good it felt to have it so tenderly shaved. It wasn’t like those military movies where they just attack your head and shave it to the skin. Kanako has given this gift to many of her clients, and she does it with such care. She started by trimming around my ears, and then actually worked in layers, combing and shaving a small section at a time. I wasn’t watching the clock, but it felt like it took at as much time as a real haircut.

We didn’t have a mirror in the kitchen, but I could see a mottled reflection of the top of my head in the shiny tiles on the backsplash of the stove. Kat took a few pics, they both complimented the shape of my head – and reminded me of the importance of always wearing lipstick and big earrings! When she was done, Kanako rubbed my head in quick motions to free any loose clippings – it felt so good I started tapping my foot on the floor like a happy puppy getting a belly tickle!!

I went to the bathroom to check out my new ‘do in a 360 degree view, and it was not the shock I had anticipated. In fact, it was not a shock at all. It’s a different look for me, but it is what it is. I’m comfortable going bare-headed at home, and wear a turban cap if I’m cold. For the time being, I just put on some big lime green earrings and touched up my lipstick!

We gathered up what hair clippings we could for the collection that I’ve been saving in a paper bag for the birds, and I vacuumed the rest. Finally, I can put the vacuum cleaner away – I’ve been dragging it around all week to clean up the ongoing hair trail. Shortly after Kanako left, another friend popped in with a gorgeous potted plant of enormous burnt-orange mums! She had read the carepages and knew about the event of the day; as a cancer survivor herself, wanted to offer her support. I asked her to rub my fuzzy head for good luck, since she has, as she said, “Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.” I just love this new sensation of head-rubbing!

When we first moved into the house, every time Dave went for a bike ride I’d paint a room, so he was never quite sure what he was coming home to find. Now that I’ve run out of rooms to paint, I had to do something to surprise him; why not shave my head? I know there’s an art project waiting to happen around this; there was just too much going on yesterday to get started. Everyone had left by the time he came home from his ride yesterday, and I was wearing a soft terry turban-hat when he arrived, since my head had been a little chilly. I was kind enough not to greet him at the door with a bareheaded “BOO!” When he had called earlier, I told him that Kanako had been visiting – he knew what that meant. As I pulled off the hat, he started to give me a sympathetic pout until I had him rub my head – for good luck – and we got a good laugh out of it.

Although this eliminates the get-ready time for doing my hair, the turban-wrapping can be quite involved. Here are some tips for wrapping scarves – cotton works best, and the long pashmina style shawls are my personal favorite. They don’t slip, and the length allows some pretty fancy twisting and wrapping.

If you don’t wear a head covering underneath the scarf, your head can look pretty flat. I like wearing a plain, fitted turban (either cotton or terry) for that. These are also very comfortable to wear alone to keep my head warm.

When it comes to earring, size matters! The bigger and more colorful, the better. There are some great finds for these and the scarves at Cost Plus (World Market), Ross, Marshall’s, TJ Maxx and Target.

So there you have it – a story, a picture and plenty of chemo beauty tips! Round 2 is this Thursday, and since chemo treatments have cumulative effects, I don’t want to even imagine what mysteries await. What I have learned is that no matter how bad it gets, there is always a solution, and it usually involves getting creative to find new resources and make the best of it. Like those who have gone before me and made my journey less terrifying, I offer what I find to those that follow me. Every person who has walked this path has an amazing story to tell, and I am honored and humbled to be among them.

I have been blessed with a warped sense of humor that focuses on the lighter side of what could be a terrifying experience. That is my means of coping, and simply an offering of a different perspective. My humor is never meant to minimize the impact that cancer with all its collateral effects can have on not only the patients, but everyone in their lives. The best thing anyone can do when you find out someone has cancer is to just be there for them in whatever way you can, and whatever way they need – listen, laugh, cry, send a card or email just to let them know you are thinking of them, drive them to an appointment, make some soup – big or small, every contact means so much. I love carepages; it has been my best outlet for expression through all this. Just knowing that you care enough to be following this story is absolutely the best thing you could do for me. Thank you, thank you. Have a wonderful, cozy autumn week!
Love, Laurie

The Un-'Do!

Posted Nov 2, 2008 1:23pm

OK, today is the day. As Dave rolled over toward my pillow to kiss me good morning, I tried to warn him, but it was too late – he rolled right into a fluff of hair I had shed through the night when my protective cap slipped off. We both said, “EEEEuuuuuuwwww!!!” and he made a lot of “pffffth…” noises trying to blow the strands off his lips. It was gross. I knew if I didn’t do something about this soon, we’d both be coughing up hairballs. With this nice muddy weather, he was off for a dirtbike ride after breakfast, and I went in for what I thought would be the final cut. After trimming what was left to about 2”, it still kept falling and clinging to everything like spiderwebs. Enough already.

So many women have told me they just reached a point where they wanted to shave it all off, and I wondered what that feeling would be like. Now I know. It’s like a breakup – the fear of the unknown is so strong that you justify staying even though you know it's not right. Then one day you are so done you just want out, even if it means leaving everything behind. Cutting my hair in stages over the past few days has given me a certain sense of control, not over my hair loss, but in my choice in how much I was ready to participate in the process. At this stage, I’m OK with shaving it. I took out my electric shaver and started at the front of my head, but it’s not really designed for this heavy duty task, and it was leaving odd zig-zag trails. Good grief. I look like a gang member. I gave up on that project and left a message for my hairstylist friend that offered to do this a few months ago. I hope this is not the week she is out of town.

In the meantime, I have errands to run, so today is my red scarf day. I had gone grocery shopping yesterday, and while everyone else was dealing with umbrellas and hoods, I had my green scarf to keep me dry. When I was checking out, a woman waved to me from the next register and said, “I love your scarf!” I could be starting a new trend in Folsom! Here’s the up side – I can blow dry my fuzz in 30 seconds instead of 10 minutes. I don’t need color, conditioner, mousse or hairspray, and I save at least another 10 minutes because the hot rollers just won’t fit.



There’s a break in the weather, and while the sun is shining I’m going to hit the road. Enjoy your Sunday!
Love, Laurie

I Am Not My Hair

Posted Nov 1, 2008 6:30pm

A salesman is lost in a rural area and stops at a farm to get directions. As he is talking to the farmer he notices a pig with a wooden leg. "How did the pig get a wooden leg?" he asks the farmer.

"Well", says the farmer, "that is a very special pig. One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the barn. That pig set up a squealing that woke everyone, and by the time we got there he had herded all the other animals out of the barn and saved every one of them."

"And that was when he hurt his leg?" asked the salesman.

"Oh no" says the farmer. "He was fine after that. Though a while later I was in the woods out back and a bear attacked me. Well, sir, that pig was near by and he came running and set on that bear and chased him off. Saved me for sure."

"So the bear injured his leg then," says the salesman.

"Oh no. He came away without a scratch from that. Though a few days later my tractor turned over in a ditch and I was knocked unconscious. Well, that pig dove into the ditch and pulled me out before I drowned."

"So he hurt his leg then?" asks the salesman.

"Oh no," says the farmer.

"So how did he get the wooden leg?" the salesman asks.

"Well", the farmer tells him, "When you have a pig like that, you don't want to eat him all at once."

And when you are as attached to your hair as I am, you don’t want to cut it all at once. Monday morning I was looking out my bathroom window and noticed a few leaves had fallen from my fig tree. Uh oh… I had my normal energy back, so I put in a full day at work, stayed late to finish up the billing, did some grocery shopping, and came home with energy to spare. After dinner, I was lounging on the couch talking to Dave, and ran my fingers through my hair. I felt a little “snap” like when you pull a hair, but there was no physical sensation, except the tickle of a couple of hairs between my fingers. Uh oh…

Tuesday I washed it gently, and noticed there was more hair on the bathroom floor than usual after blowdrying it. That was the last day of my hair as I have known it. I wore it up in a clip for safekeeping, but when I tugged on a few stray hairs that had dangled to the back of my neck from the clip, I was able to discard most of those. There was no doubt that the process had begun. That night I showed Dave my new trick and he felt worse than I did. At that point I became more fascinated by the process than upset. I had been telling him that my roots were showing, and if my hair was going to stay much longer I'd better color it. Guess that problem is solved!!

So I decided I might as well make this fun. I tied back my hair, Dave took a picture, and I sent it to a whole bunch of friends with a request to help me decorate my head! (If you didn’t receive one and would like to play, just email me!)

I don't know if I got all my anxiety out of the way worrying about it earlier, or if it hasn't hit me yet, but right now it doesn't bother me & I'm curious to see what the process is going to be like. If nothing else, it is incredibly messy. I’ve tried wearing those little hair-catching caps to bed, but they pull off as soon as I turn over, and there is hair everywhere. One of my friends described it as “falling like autumn leaves,” and that is certainly an accurate metaphor. I either had to cut it or drag out a blower and a rake.

So Thursday morning I cut off about 6”. I tied the locks with a ribbon and saved them with the first yellow fig leaf to fall from my tree, and a beautiful red and yellow leaf from my maple. I look like the old photo on my website, so it wasn’t much of a shock. From this point on, we’re going for the ‘do of the day! On Friday I took advantage of Halloween & the rain and wrapped my head with my long, fringe-y burnt orange scarf. The explanation I use with the patients that don't know about this situation is that my hair is out of control in damp weather & I would rather wear a scarf, and they just love it :>)

Several times last night I woke with flying hair tickling my face, crawling down my back when I got up to go to the bathroom, leaving a trail on the tile. So this morning I cut it even shorter, and I had to laugh at the lack of control I had over it. Every time I would pull a section to cut, long strands would just loosen & fall, so I was never sure if what I cut was attached or not. Or if it would attached much longer. What a mess! Where’s a Flowbee when you need one? I swept everything into a paper bag, in the spring I’ll scatter it in my garden for the birds to use in their nests. It’s like the opposite of scattering my own ashes, a way to celebrate my life and share it with the other living critters that share the property.

Before taking a shower, I wanted to treat myself to the Miracle Whip facial that Lori-with-the-gorgeous-skin has been telling me about. I am not making this up. Her dermatologist was amazed that her skin has absolutely no sun damage, despite the same ritual of baby oil and iodine sun worship we all succumbed to in the ’60’s. You spread a thin layer of Miracle Whip on clean skin, wait a couple of minutes, and then rub gently. Off comes the old, dead skin! My skin is absolutely glowing. The only drawback is that I smell like a sandwich. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I may not repeat the process tomorrow, when my hair is really short. Looking like a glowing Chia pet that smells like a deli delight could just be the thing that sends me over the edge.

Tomorrow (if there’s anything left) we’re going for the spikey ‘do, but who knows? Stay tuned.

Here’s an exerpt from wonderful song by India.arie:

I Am Not My Hair

Little girl with the press and curl
Age eight I got a Jheri curl
Thirteen I got a relaxer
I was a source of so much laughter
At fifteen when it all broke off
Eighteen and went all natural
February two thousand and two
I went and did
What I had to do
Because it was time to change my life
To become the women that I am inside
Ninety-seven dreadlock all gone
I looked in the mirror
For the first time and saw that HEY....

I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am not your expectations no no
I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am a soul that lives within

Does the way I wear my hair make me a better person?
Does the way I wear my hair make me a better friend?
Does the way I wear my hair determine my integrity?
I am expressing my creativity..

Breast Cancer and Chemotherapy
Took away her crown and glory
She promised God if she was to survive
She would enjoy everyday of her life ooh
On national television
Her diamond eyes are sparkling
Bald headed like a full moon shining
Singing out to the whole wide world like HEY...
india.arie “I am not my hair:

If I wanna shave it close
Or if I wanna rock locks
That don't take a bit away
From the soul that I got

Hair, There and Everywhere

Posted Sep 18, 2008 3:49pm

Finally – with the cooling weather, the hot flashes are less brutal. During the day I wear sleeveless tops, clip up my hair and keep on going. Night time is still the worst; despite the combined breezes of the ceiling and floor fans, the flashes shake me from my sleep almost hourly. Some days I just don’t feel rested, and that can be dangerous to my peace of mind. Unrest releases the goblins in my head that make me cranky and worrisome about crazy stuff like the hair issue.

A stylist friend called this week to assure me that I will absolutely love my new hair, and I should really look forward to the transition. She shared her experiences about clients that have already gone through this, and offered to come to my house and “buzz my head” when the time comes. We had a good laugh about how crazy our priorities can be. When I found out I had cancer, my attitude was OK, fine, now we know – what do I have to do? But the hair… this is so nuts. I have finally realized this new obsession is nature’s way of dangling a useless subject to distract me from worrying about the cancer.

Last weekend the weather was glorious, and I took advantage of the temperate sunshine to start cleaning up the fading garden. I attacked the overgrowth and undergrowth without mercy, and more than once I was tempted to end the hair topic once and for all with some extensive hedge trimming of my own locks. I suspect Dave would have put me away somewhere quiet if he looked out to see me knee deep in garden waste, hacking away at my hair with the Fiskars PowerGear hedge shears, even if they are the “only hedge shears to be awarded the Arthritis Foundation Ease-of-Use Commendation.”

This hair fixation reminds me of the time I did a ropes course and discovered there are times when my body and thoughts have no regard for each other. Secured by a harness and pulley apparatus, I was to demonstrate my willingness to conquer challenges by climbing a 50 foot pole, balancing on the top and leaping off. It made sense at the time. As I started the ascent, my thoughts were, “This is going to be so exciting, what a wonderful lesson, I’ve been looking forward to this…” etc. My body said, “You are so full of it. You are going to die.” Despite the affirmations my knees turned to rubber; every cell in my body followed suit and shook uncontrollably. I kept climbing. I leaped into the void. I lived. So there. This too will pass.

On all these cancer issues, I recognize a particular stress pattern. The night before a consultation or event I’m restless and worrisome. I’m fine for the meeting, then intermittently jumbled and teary for the rest of the day. My chattering brain prevents any restful sleep that night; the next day it’s all processed and I’m fine. So last week I attempted a system overload and it actually minimized my worry time. Although the Thursday “chemo class” triggered my usual reaction, I actually had no post-funk response around the radiation meeting on Friday, or the Relay for Life on Saturday. I think I’ll cram all the appointments together from now on.

The Thursday morning “chemo class” involved a private meeting with a cheery oncology nurse, one of few people who can talk faster than I do. She rapidly scanned the pile of papers describing the process, schedule, drugs, possible side effects, what to do and what to avoid, and I signed enough paperwork to make me wonder if I hadn’t taken on another mortgage. She also wrote a prescription for a wig, but between the hot flashes and the hypersensitive skin that goes with chemo, I'll probably just stick with the colorful head wraps!

I feel great, and don't start treatment until 10/9, after I come back from vacation. Then it will be full steam ahead - 6 sessions of regular chemo (three weeks apart), and a year of herceptin infusions, also every 3 weeks. Chemo is big business and growing exponentially; I have to do 6 cycles instead of the usual four, because research in the past six months has shown it's more effective. I can't help but wonder who financed this research…hmmm…. Can you say “pharmaceutical?” 3 weeks after the regular chemo, radiation begins - 5 days a week for 30 sessions. Six months after radiation is complete, I will meet with the plastic surgeon again to see if insurance will cover refurbishing the damage that will be left in the wake of all this. Then five years of Tamoxifen. This is quite a transition for someone who never even takes an aspirin.

I have to bite my tongue as I listen to their “nutritional advice.” Sadly, because natural remedies can't be patented to produce a substantial profit, there is no financing for extensive research on the effects of nutrients/herbs/supplements on cancer, or during chemo. So they are all passed off as "dangerous" and interactive with the drugs. I have been warned repeatedly not to take any more than a single multivitamin, and especially to avoid antioxidants or herbs during treatment because of the possible interactions with the chemo. But there is no hesitation to prescribe a multitude of pharmaceuticals to counteract any symptoms. They may have horrific side effects, but at least those are a known factor.

And there are NO dietary restrictions. I find this very odd, since cancer cells thrive on glucose. The “nutrition” booklet from the American Cancer Society actually recommends refined carbohydrates, processed foods, ice cream, sugar-loaded shakes like Ensure, and other sugary foods. The logic to this is that chemo wreaks havoc on the taste buds, and since it is wiping out all the cancer cells, the most important dietary consideration is to make sure the patient gets sufficient calories in any way possible. I probably shouldn’t be so snooty about the whole thing. If and when that time comes for me I may be quite eager to dismount from my high horse, drop to my knees and plead for the extended companionship of Ben & Jerry.

I’m still waiting for insurance to approve the MUGA scan of my heart prior to treatment. When I pressed for details, Virginia of the Infusion Room reluctantly said they used to do the contrast dye injection for this directly into the chest – YUCK!!!! - but believes they now do it into the arm. If my internet research is correct, it is now injected into the arm. If not, I will graciously accept any sedatives they are willing to load me with. No wonder I felt teary after I left.

On Friday a patient brought me a jar of the "Chinese burn creme" to protect me from the radiation (miracle stuff!!), and an hour later Dave and I were sitting in the exam room of the oncology radiologist in Cameron Park. She is from SF, and said that in the Bay area, she was treating women with breast cancer in their 20's and 30's. Call it a conspiracy theory, but I find it ironic at best that each year chemical companies sell us over a hundred thousand compounds to dump into our environment, and then make more money on the other end to "cure" us from the damage. If they spent half the time removing all the junk in our food and environment that's causing and contributing to cancer in the first place, we wouldn't have to spend as much time and money treating it. But that’s another discussion.

She gently relayed what she assumed would be difficult news - for the rest of my life, I will have to get MRIs instead of mammograms. I expressed my delight and gave her the condensed version of meeting my ancestors during the recent MRI-induced vision quest. Her location facing the door prevented her from slowly backing out of the room, which may have been her choice at the moment. Dave remarked later how her expression changed from empathy to concern that I had probably lost my mind. I wasn’t embarrassed in the least – I intend to make the best of whatever they throw my way. Well, except that possible – but not likely – needle-in-the-chest thing.

The bottom line is that all the health care providers are saying my risk of recurrence is extremely low, but they have to bombard me with all this junk because of the HER2/neu gene. The other good news is that all the medical folks and survivors I've met with this week keep reminding me that everyone's response is different, so who knows? Some people actually breeze through this with little or no reactions, and I plan to be one of them.

On Saturday a friend invited me to join her group in Placerville for the Relay for Life cancer fundraiser. When I told Dave my plans, he immediately jumped in to join us, which is very special to me. He never hesitates to rearrange his work schedule to take me to all the medical consults; he's such a love. Our walk was at 5:00 p.m., and the late afternoon was balmy and beautiful. She presented me with a sparkly pink beaded necklace, her “Courage” bracelet, and a purple “I’m Living Proof” t-shirt. One of the discussion topics during our walk was at which point one is eligible to wear the “Survivior” t-shirt. Five years? Post-chemo? Post-surgery? Dave concluded that once you get the diagnosis, you are an official survivor - until you’re not. Works for me.

The bands that played throughout the day and night were fabulous, and volunteers of all ages put obvious effort into organizing the event. The relay path was lined on one side with luminaries, and on the other with information and memorial booths. Each white luminary bag was decorated by the kids that volunteered, and were labeled as either “In memory of…” or “In support of…” It was heartbreaking to see so many luminaries, representing too many victims of this disease. On the other hand, it was so uplifting to know there is such a high level of concern and awareness, and talk to women who have bravely survived much worse than what I face. They look and feel great, offer such positive support, and I always make new friends.

After our walk three of us claimed a picnic table in the shade to watch the continuing relay and enjoy our smorgasbord of snacks. Cooled by the light winds of the early evening, we watched the full autumn moon rise above the circumference of trees. We hooted and hollered our appreciation for the band and the relayers that passed our table, some walking, some dancing, others on canes or in wheelchairs. I chose to leave before the ceremony of lighting and reading each luminary. Over the past several months I’ve found that so much information at once about cancer can get overwhelming and depressing, even if it is supportive. It’s just too much to grasp sometimes, and I can only take it in small doses. Sometimes it’s just too much to become so connected to how deeply immersed I am in this.

So it’s back to the garden for a metaphor that will make sense of all this madness. Despite my attentive care, nuts hedge and Bermuda grass have made a merciless invasion throughout the beautiful planter strip around the lawn, now gradually creeping into the hillside garden. The only way to control it at this point is to dig up all the affected plants and spray the weeds with whatever herbicides will do the job. I hate using this nasty poison, and I know it will wipe out the healthy plants as well, but my conservative efforts were no match for the aggression of the weeds. Once this malignant growth has been contained and removed, I can make a fresh start with a nourishing foundation, and better knowledge of how to keep the garden healthy and prevent the weeds from returning. As much as I will miss the temporary loss of vibrancy and color, I know some things need to be sacrificed. In the long run, it would be counterproductive to fertilize anything while I’m trying to kill off the stuff that could eventually choke the life out of the entire garden.

Bring on the Roundup… I’m ready for the overhaul.

Things That Go Bump in the Night

Posted Aug 14, 2008 1:02pm

It really annoys me that I can’t fool my brain. Despite my cheery update yesterday, by 6 p.m. I had a roaring headache and was melting in a hot flash. When I checked my biocommunication (Zyto) test in height of this fit, it showed several off-the-chart indicators of emotional stress. Go figure.

The headache didn’t subside, even after dinner, so I took a handful of Myocalm PM to assure a restful night. It worked – until 2:30 a.m. when my brain shook me awake by chattering its worries about how and when to take the dreaded step to shave my head. My headache pounded to make sure I didn’t lose this focus, and threw in a one of those random waking nightmare thoughts about brain cancer, just for something else to add to the mix.

This fear, too, will pass, but it was another transition period where the inner voice and images just would not shut up. Should I just cut it short at first to lessen the blow? Should Dave be there so he won’t be shocked at the results? Will it be fun? Will it be horrible? Will it look great with big earrings? Will the wig be too scratchy when the chemo makes my skin sensitive? Will the scarves fall off because my head’s too slick? SHUT UP!!! Why am I being such a big baby over this????? This is so CRAZY; cancer was a walk in the park, but the thought of being hairless keeps me awake at night – and it’s going to be only a flash in time.

I’m a Leo – not only am I annoyingly vain, but my mane is my glory, and nothing makes me grumpier than a bad hair day. Like a kid with nightmares, I kept getting images of a scene in the animated film “Narnia” where the wicked witch is about to kill the Lion, the ruler of the good guys. But first, to add his degradation to her victory, she orders her deformed gnomes to shave his mane, a symbol of his power. It was painful to watch – and it was a cartoon, for God’s sake.
By 4:00 a.m. I had it with tossing and turning, and got up to take a few more Myocalm. Of course, washing them down with water sent me on several trips to the bathroom. I was groggy, grumpy, my head was pounding, and I started feeling nauseated. Yuk.

While stumbling back to bed, I understood why people take anti-anxiety drugs and sleeping pills… The lack of sleep is what will eventually make me crazy. I know I could get them if I asked. But I really do want to experience the flood of emotions that goes with all this – for now, anyway.

I did a few rounds of EFT. That helped the pain and nausea a lot, and made me feel more in control of the ride. I fell asleep around 4:30 and enjoyed a couple of hours of nightmares that involved Dave & I riding in a car with neither of us steering, gangs robbing my neighbors and drive-by shootings, where I ducked for cover. Have fun analyzing THOSE...

First thing this morning, I checked the “Locks of Love” website,so I might donate my loss as another’s gain, and found the minimum length requirement is 10 inches – I’m at only 8. I felt the embarrassment of having a treasured belonging appraised, only to find it was worthless. I’ve been had.

So I scurried over to the Carepages, and read the updates on the other people I’ve been following – the young mother of 2 who has been through a year of chemo with no end in sight and is still celebrating every moment, the photo of the 8 year old girl with her shiny head, giggling at her Chucky Cheese party, the woman that recorded every single day for the past year of her journey so others can be comforted to know there is another side. One day she was celebrating her friend’s victory over cancer, a few days later she was mourning the woman’s death after a truck slammed her car into a tree.

In his book The Hero with a Thousand Faces, Joseph Campbell describes the hero’s journey, a symbolic quest that transforms the hero and renews the ailing community. There is a heroine or hero in each of us, striving to express her/his highest purpose in this lifetime in order to help others learn the same lessons. We just never know when or what that challenge will be, but there is no turning back once it is presented.

Back to Narnia – the Lion shaving and assassination later revealed itself to be a symbol of his humility, and the strength to submit to the enemy when it was necessary. His reward was that by allowing this sacrifice, he was able to rise again with greater strength – and his glorious mane.
The joys and terrors, celebration and heartbreak are what bring us together, remind us that we are alive. I’ll bypass the meds for now, and write instead. I went through my SoulCollage cards this morning and pulled a couple for today. The one I called Fear is what happened last night:


I am the One Who
blocks the route to your dreams.
Terrifying and elusive,
I challenge you to admit
my magnification
is a phase of your own imagination.



















but Strength is my guide for today:





I am the One Who
honors the cycles of transformation,
the purpose of your frightening phases.
A compassionate protector of those who seek,
I patiently guide as your power emerges.